Writing Diaries #13: I couldn't tame my fears

I spent my my youth alone, watching life go by

The excerpts below are diary entries I wrote in the fall of 1972.  Two months earlier, I had celebrated my twenty-third birthday.

As I reread what I wrote long ago, it surprised me how well I understood that my fears were smothering me. I knew I had to defeat them but had no idea how to

do it.

I tried changing jobs or moving to a new apartment. I even tried moving across the country, thinking a fresh start in a new city would help. Shaking things up did help but only for a short time.  

I couldn’t escape myself  

No matter how fast I ran, I couldn't run away from the undefined fears that dogged me. By 1976 I had concluded that real change could only happen from within myself. But the roadmap eluded me.

I eventually found the way.

Almost three decades later -- and after a lot of needless anguish -- I reached out for the help I had so desperately needed. I wish I'd known all those years ago that such help was out there.

September 20, 1972

There are no guarantees in life, eh? Time just slips by and in the end we are left with nothing. This must be accepted. Fear and hope have no place within us.

And a couple of weeks later...

October 5, 1972

I am about to plunge into another bout of self-analysis. Still, sometimes, it puts things into perspective. After all, I can’t live on hopes and dreams as I’d like, like a turtle whose head almost never peeps out of its shell.

I'm afraid of being afraid. I'm on edge all the time, worried sudden panic will strike. I think maybe the next panic hits, it will kill me. Fear keeps me hiding in my turtle shell. But the pitch black inside my hard shell terrifies me too.

I can't win, can I?

That’s the situation I’m in and I don't know how to change it. I wish somebody would open my skull and fix things in there because I sure as hell don't know how to do it myself. Circumstances around me change like a kaleidoscope. And what do I do instead of enjoying the show? I cower in the dark.

The conundrum

I’m uncomfortable inside my dark turtle shell but terrified the bright light of the world. I hope that one day I'll find a compromise between the two. Until then, I have to be vigilant so that I don't get crushed between the dark and the light.

I made it! And I'm grateful.